Door-to-Door With and Without Guillermo


Door-to-Door With and Without Guillermo
by The Ox

Note: For those who are not familiar with Jimmy Kimmel Live!, you might want to glance at 29, which will fill you in a bit on who I’m writing to here. You might want to glance at my first Letter to Guillermo in the first P.S. at Send in the Clowns or Send up the Clowns first. First is a funny word, yes? [Rhymes with thirst and burst... what this is all about.]

Querido Guillermo:

I’ve got a lot to share with the powers that be at ABC and all of Jimmy’s people, Guillermo, but I thought that I’d give you a sample of what I’m talking about — just one example — when I say that I know I can increase JKL! ratings dramatically.

For one, I fantasize going door to door with you and the film crew for a few stints here and there. It wouldn’t have to be a regular feature, but I don’t think that would hurt the overall plan, to say the least.

But me, I’d be setting things up so that I could go door to door on behalf of Jimmy’s candidacy* ’round the clock. I’d probably even miss some shows if I got started late on a given day ’cause my call-it-quits hour could be quite late. Seriously, I’d put in what I put in as a NYC taxi driver, not what I put in as a college professor. As a hack in the late seventies in the Big Apple, I logged more hours driving than what I put in in academia over 4 decades. I swear on everything that’s holy about tortillas that that’s absolutely true!

But enough about my personal background. Let’s focus on the door-to-door schtick:

[Knock, knock. Door opens.]

“Hi. Hope I’m (we’re) not interrupting anything. I don’t want any money, and I don’t want any of your time. Just want to ask you to register to vote, and vote for Jimmy Kimmel when you do in November. [Pause.] Yeah, that’s right, the late night comedy host of Jimmy Kimmel Live! [Showing the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit image.] I can give you the papers to register, if you like. I also have time to tell you about Jimmy’s campaign, if you want. Otherwise, I’m just glad to have a shot at letting you know that Jimmy will be facing off against the other self-serving (but less attractive) candidates. [Pause.] For sure, he’ll be giving you more healthy laughs along the way.”

Anyone could handle that, any fan of Jimmy’s, and I fully expect to create an unprecedented groundswell of support for his brand of insanity… to challenge the unhealthy kind of insanity that is slated to disguise itself in the form of traditional campaigns, headed by the usual suspect candidates. 24×8.

*The more I think about it, Guillermo, the more I believe that you should run for the position of Lieutenant Governor on the KACA ticket with Jimmy. And it’s not just because you’ll pull in a lot of the Latino vote or that I’d pull in a lot of dinero betting on you in the obligatory debates. Oh, no. [Pause.] “Diaz” (or “Rodriguez”) is a very easy name for voters to write-in, si?

Lots of love in laughter,
Ricardo Bueyhombre (Richard Oxman) ml (What preceded KACA; Cuidado, it’s serious stuff.)

P.S. If anyone at ABC gets concerned about your campaign undermining the campaign of another “serious” candidate — their personal preference — remind them that if we secure victory it won’t be at their expense. For we can anticipate drawing almost all of the votes we garner from among the 61% or more who are — using the last gubernatorial contest as a gauge — slated NOT to show up at the polls UNLESS JIMMY IS RUNNING. Oh yeah, and if ABC wants to fork over some $ for cards (for the door-to-door) fine, BUT we don’t need ‘em. And furthermore, I don’t want any money. I will head up a national movement titled Volunteers for the Kimmel Candidacy (KVC), and I fully expect to be able to generate enough interest in the first three months to have 10,000 hard core people on board going door-to-door throughout California during the stretch run. No traditional third party candidate these days could possibly tally more than 250,000 votes or so. We’re going to do four times that minimum. And as I indicated in the Send in the Clowns or Send up the Clowns article, that’ll be an historic record, doubling what ALL third parties ever collected combined in the state.

The fact that the above will be accomplished on a ZERO BUDGET with a write-in campaign… well, we actually stand to create a watershed in history. I figure citizens — whether they agree with my personal take on issues or not — will be at least moved to draw upon their own creative juices and finally do something fresh.